Wonders Of WalMart
by Katraa
Summary: No one said chaos had to be dangerous. That was until a few Cruxis angels embarked into the unknown. That being the wonders of walmart. [kratos x yuan] [zelos x kratos]
1. Chapter 1

**I got this inspiration when my dad dragged me along to one of his famous Wal-Mart trips. I thought this trip wouldn't result in anything, but it did result in something, a spiffeh story idea. This story might be a one-shot, I'm not sure. At the most three chapters. I'm not in the mood to do a long commited story such as Our Hearts Cross or Eternal Souls. So bear with me x3 and Yes I have loads of time to write. ha ha ha! And my detail and grammer will proabbly suck in this seeing it's more humour then quailty detail writing! But quailrt humour! x)**

Wonders Of Wal-Mart!  
Chapter One: Butter Hogs

"We're out of butter, again. Kratos, how many times must I tell you not to eat all the damn butter!"

Kratos looked over at Yuan, hiding his piece of toast smothered with an abundance of butter. So bad for your heart but so damn good. Yuan eyed the item Kratos was hiding in his lap and twitched.

"You're eating all the butter on a single piece of toast!"

"Yea, it's good,"

"Well, you're coming with me to get more butter."

"Where do we go for butter? Usually it pops out of nowhere, maybe the butter gods are on vacation"

"o.O Butter Gods Kratos?" Yuan gave a shifty look at his friend. Zelos walked up behind them, covered in butter. I mean his whole face was pure yellow from the butter. It was gross.

"Zelos!"

"What?"

"You and Kratos are unbelievable!"

"What? Kratos ate all the butter again?"

"Don't blame it all on him! I know you had something to do with it also!" Yuan snapped angrily as Zelos licked the oddly immense amount of creamy liquid off his face.

"No I didn't" Zelos replied once all the butter was gone.

"Whatever, you're both coming to get more butter if you like it or not," Yuan hissed.

"Fine by me. I want to search for the new Herbal Essences hair shampoo"

"Same here bud!"

Yuan just starred as the two began to chat about butter and hair products. Why did Zelos have to come live with them? Why! Everynight he brought home another girl. Even one night he brought home a beaver! That just creped Yuan and Kratos out completely.

"Are you two done jabbering away?"

"Fine whatever"

"Yes, sorry"

"Then let's go get the damn butter, and you are paying for it," Yuan spoke addressing Kratos. Kratos gave the blank 'WHY-ME!' look but nodded stiffly.

"But where should we go?" Zelos asked.

"Let's go to the local store!"

"No kratos, they don't carry butter there."

"How would you know Yuan?"

"Because I do all the damn shopping for you two nitwits!"

"Who you calling a nitwit bluey?" Zelos snapped sizing up Yuan. Twitching his blue eyes evilly at Yuan, he grabbed a napkin and dried his face. Which was ubberly odd.

"I thought I went shopping once," Kratos spoke out from his seat at the table.

"You never went shopping!" Yuan hissed.

"Did so..."

"No kratos, if you went, this whole house would be filled with butter!"

"Why would I do something like that?"

"Well let's think about this for a moment, oh yea, because you are stupid!"

"Guys, settle down!" Zelos spoke walking in between Yuan and Kratos. Zelos eyed the two then passed them a separate list.

"Here, you buy these items and you buy these Kratos. That way you guys won't have to deal with each other at the store," Zelos spoke proudly. Yuan nodded, as if he liked the idea. Kratos could care less.

"But how are we going to get there?" Kratos yawned.

"On my magic pony!"

"You have a ... magic pony?"

"Hell yea! That's how I meet all my hunnies!"

"Couldn't you just use a Rheaird for that?"

"It would take the romance out of my arrival!"

"So arriving on the back of a magic pony is romantic? Yuan, do you think that's romantic?" Kratos asked eyeing Yuan who had tuned out the useless conversations between the red-heads.

"Huh? What are you talking about Kratos?" Hissed Yuan. He hissed a lot.

"Ugh, never mind, let's just go on our Rheairds," Kratos suggested. The two gave a nod and they went outside. Of course they had three Rheairds, but for some reason the colors matched their hair colors identically. It was creepy!

"Well, where are we going almighty Zelos. King of The Assholes?"

"That hurt, you know that?"

"I could honestly care less"

"Kratos, you need to teach Yuan some manors!"

"I've tried for four thousand years now..."

"What does THAT mean?" Yuan growled at the two who were ingading in a conversation about him. Zelos hid a grin, then lifted his Rheaird off the ground. The other two did the same.

"We are going to a store that just opened!"

"I didn't know there was a new store..."

"Because you never leave the house!" Yuan yelled at Kratos as they flew in the air. Kratos gave a depressed look of sorrow then turned to Zelos.

"What are YOU going to do while we do the shopping?"

"Meet some hunnies n.n!"

"Could have guessed."

"Ya damn gigolo!" Yuan complained from his Rheaird.

"Kratos twitched his eye un comfortably. Yuan glanced over to see what was wrong.

"What's wrong with you?"

"There's.. a cricket that won't stop chirping."

"Did you try smacking it?"

"Yep"

"Did you try chucking it off?"

"Yep, wouldn't budge."

"Did you try asking it?"

"Yuan, why would I talk to a cricket?"

"Did you kiss it!" Chimed in Zelos from his Rheaird. Exchanging glances, Yuan and Kratos shut their moves and Kratos went back to being annoyed by a black cricket.

"We're almost there!"

"Thank the goddess"

"Thank you, now I can finally leave this annoying cricket."

"But Kratos won't it--"

"What?"

"Never mind," Yuan spoke grinning. Kratos gave a speechless look but shrugged. The trio landed in a parking lot, which most people didn't find odd that they were flying through the air. Zelos jumped off his Rheaird and stood in front of the store. Yuan and Kratos were hesitant.

"It's.. Wal-mart?" Yuan asked.

"Do they sell Walls here?"

"I suppose. But how can we get the butter then?"

"Maybe they sell buttered walls..."

"Kratos, just shut up," Yuan hissed angrily at Yuan. Kratos began to twitch again. Yuan glanced over at him.

"What's wrong with you this time?"

"The cricket is stalking me..."

"Kratos, a cricket wouldn't stalk you"

"No really Yuan, it's following me."

"I think you're drunk," Yuan moaned as he followed Zelos inside. With a shifty glances, left, right, then left again, Kratos ran inside.

**Author's Note:**

Ha ha! Suspense! I bet you're dieing to see what will happen at Wal-Mart aren't you x3 Well, you'll have to wait and see till my next chapter. And you'll also see what is on Yuan's and Kratos' lists. And let me tell you, there is a distrubing item on Kratos'. Let's just say he asks someone where they are, and they smack Kratos upside the head in disguist. Can you guess? heh x3 Please Review, and feel free to take a guess. I'll be happy to answer your reviews in the next chapter ) But only reviews will show if there will be a next chapter! And really, I know how Kratos feels, there is a cricket outside my window that won't shut the frig up o.O


	2. Chapter 2: Meaning of Excuse me

I haven't updated this in such such a long time. So yea, I just now felt the need to go, hey let's add a new chapter to wonders Of Wal-mart. Ugh, a few days ago I felt like changing the title to The Horrors Of Wal Mart, but that would take the humor out of- ack my dad sneezed and I just bolted up in my seat. That scared me! and now he's randomly walking through the house at two o clock at night... creepy!

Expect loads of crude humor, some shonen-ai, and random jokes. Yes, and wal mart bashing at it's best! Thank you random reviewers and my friends (pokes Michelle violently) for some spiffeh ideas!

* * *

Wonders Of Wal-Mart  
Chapter Two: The Wonderful Meanings Of 'Excuse Me'

* * *

"Welcome to Wal-Mart!" A associate that always stood at the entrance of the door declared as the trio walked in. Zelos was in the lead and he was the first to be attacked by the worker who shoved a smiley face sticker on his shirt. Yuan and Kratos managed to dodge this cheerful lunatic.

"Have a nice day!" The worker called as Zelos scampered into the store after Kratos and Yuan.

"Ok then, read over your lists. I want all these items, got it? If you don't know what an item is, just ask someone," And with that Zelos went off to flock with his hunnies over in the make up department. Kratos eyed Yuan, and Yuan eyed Kratos.

"Well, i'll see you at the check out line," Kratos yawned and went in the left direction leaving Yuan, standing, alone. Sighing, he looked down at his list. First item; Bras For Zelos Sweet Hunnies.

"This is going to suck," Yuan hissed as he walked into the store, straight down the middle. On his way to the bra department, oh gosh that sounds so weird saying that, he ran into this fat lady who was blocking the isle with her fat back end. hehehe.

"Um, excuse me," Yuan began. He tried to go around her on the left, but she shifted her butt to the left. The right, she shifted to the right. Twitching Yuan chimed again.

"Excuse me!" He snapped. Still no reply, and she kept humming a song badly as she looked through a pair s of jeans in her shopping cart.

"I said excuse me you fat lard!" Yuan hissed angrily kicking her in the foot. Yuan's a violent banshee! The woman whirled around in disgust and seemed stunned. Really stunned.

"Oh Yu Yu! Don't you recognize me! It's Your Auntie Blubber!" The old lady squeaked as she squeezed Yuan tightly. Yu Yu... let's all point and laugh! Yuan, however, had no memory of this overly fat lady, so he ended up kicking her again and scampered down the isle.

"Ok, what the hells are 'bras'," Yuan muttered. As you can see, Yuan doesn't have too much of a love life. Well with the ladies, hehehe. Ok author shall shut up. Yuan sighed and walked down another isle and finally got the courage up to ask someone.

"Uh, you. Can you tell me where the 'bras' are," He asked casually. A lady who had a red wig on with big huge green glasses looked at him and laughed, kind laugh. Not cruel.

"Ah., sweety. You don't need one. You've got nothing to show. Some of us are better built," The lady spoke. Yuan starred blankly. Ok, the lady thought Yuan was a girl. Die! Yuan glared at her and hissed.

"They're for my friend's girlfriend. Now tell me where they are!" He demanded angrily. The lady seemed shocked, and stunned and wagged a finger that bore fake fingernails, in the direction of the bras.

"Thank you, have a nice-" Yuan began but thought better of saying something kind. Finally, just finally, he made it to the under-garment section. Slipping in, he just starred at all the bras. red, pink, green, leopard skin. All sorts! And I mean all sorts!

"Ok, It says Double D Cut," Yuan starred blankly. "Whatever that means," He yawned, grabbed a random red bra and set off to the other items on his list.

Back at Kratos!

"Ok, ok, I have to prove Yuan I can actually shop. To think I'd have him make fun of me at something like this," He yawned and continued to walk through Wal Mart. The first item on his list; ok everyone, get ready; condoms! Dun dun dun! Obviously Kratos has no ideas what they are seeing he had Lloyd. Er huh!

"What the hell is that?" He asked himself. Wow Kratos swore! See my point is proved, he doesn't know what a condom is, case closed.

"Excuse me sir, may I ask you a question," Kratos asked, trying to sound polite. A bald man wearing overalls looked at Kratos, looked at him very intently. I think something is wrong with this guy. Maybe he's gay.

"Yea sure," He replied as he took a bit of a doughnut. Ah, the taste of fatty foods in the morning, or afternoon. Or night. Or in a bed with Yggdrasill!

"Do you know where the 'condoms' are?" Kratos asked casually. The man eyes grew as large as flying saucers as Kratos asked the forbidden question. The forbidden question that you may never ask someone. The forbidden question that results in your head being chopped off by Rodyle!

"Excuse me!" The man retorted angrily. Kratos hesitated for a few moments and realized whatever they were, they weren't something to be talked about.

"I'm sorry, sir. My friend told me to buy them," Kratos attempted to explain. Almost in fear of the word 'condom', the man shot his finger in the right direction.

"Second turn on your left," The man spoke whimpering as he ran off. Afraid of Kratos' red hair and his need for condoms. Uh huh.

"Ok, second turn, here we are," Kratos spoke walking down the isle. Twenty items in was where he found Trojan man! Mwahaha. He glared at them for a few minutes.

"Let's see. Grape, cherry," Kratos rambled on and randomly picked one up, vanilla ice cream, tasty! Ok, they come in flavors, that's just plain nasty!

"Ok, next item on the list; Leather Jacket," Kratos read casually. Yawning, he remembered where he saw jackets, so he backtracked until he was close to them. Sadly for our auburn hero, there was a free sample stand. Oh dear, poor Kratos!

"Would you like to try a free sample of today's featured product?" The woman asked handing Kratos a cup of the mystery object. Who knows what it was. Sighing, he took it and ate it, or drank it.

"What is it?" Kratos asked. The woman smiled lightly.

"Leek," She declared. Kratos' face went pale and leaned against the table in shock.

"I'm- allergic to leeks! YUAN HELP!"

Back at Yuan

"I could have sworn I heard a familiar, annoying voice just now," Yuan sighed as he made his way to the check out line with a few random objects he was assigned to buy. On his way back he was Kratos, on the floor surrounded by millions of people. Ok maybe like a hundred.

"Kratos!" Yuan blared, dropping the items on the ground and scampered over to the fallen seraphim. The crowd gasped by Yuan's arrival.

"Yuan, is that you?" Kratos spoke, twitching an eye. He could barely see or talk.

"Yes, now shut up and tell me what to do," Yuan hissed back.

"Air, I need, air!" Kratos rasped, coughing. Yuan twitched and looked around for anyone willing to do CPR. Anyone, just anyone! Nope, no one. Growling, Yuan hissed.

"Fine! I'll do it, you filth bags humans," Yuan muttered giving Kratos mouth to mouth air or whatever you call it. So HOT, so yaoi!

"Is he alive!" The dreaded sample lady asked. Yuan broke away from Kratos as he remembered they were in a public place. Hehehe.

"Yes, and why the hell did you give him a leek!" Yuan glared as Kratos grabbed Yuan's hair.

"A-ir," He moaned. Yuan whirled back over to Kratos.

"You don't need anymore air, you're lying. You liar," Yuan hissed. Kratos sighed, he had failed in his attempts to lip lock with Yuan. Poor Kratos.

"I'm so glad he's alive!" The leek lady declared. Leek Lady. That has a funny ring to it.

"Kratos," Yuan sighed looking back at Kratos who picked up the items he himself and Yuan had dropped in this crisis.

"Mhm," Kratos asked lightly as the people started to go back to their little duties.

"Have you seen the King Of the Assholes?" Yuan asked.

"Oh yes! If you meant Hitler," Kratos chimed.

"Hitlers dead..."

"Oh shit, Yuan," Kratos complained, suddenly clinging to Yuan's sleeve.

"What?"

"The crickets back!"

"Kratos, just shut up. And did you get the butter?"

"N-no..."

* * *

Author's Note:

Gonna end this chapter there xD I'm not sure to make another chapter, but I'm satisfied with the humor in this chapter. Even though the length and writing sucked. But it's the odd humor that counts! wh00t-ness. I'm just glad I finally updated!


End file.
